I think it’s safe to say that most women tend to value relationships with their friends and often have a full reliable tribe of support in our younger adult years. However, as most of us know, those friendships have a habit of dwindling and genetically mutating after one or more of those friends become moms. Many new moms often end up feeling lonely, especially during those first few years of their little one’s life, which is not healthy for mom as she needs that interaction with others to maintain her sanity.
Now factor in a child with special needs and that feeling of loneliness and despair can multiply tenfold. Being told that your child, your precious little angel from above, has special needs, can feel like a slap in the face. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first child or tenth, it doesn’t make it any easier to hear those words. For most moms, when they hear this, they automatically withdraw and begin questioning themselves and everything they could have possibly done that may have caused this. They can become depressed, start blaming themselves, and even feel grief for the child they imagined they would have who they now realize may be completely different.
These are normal emotions and can not only leave a mom feeling completely alone, but also feeling guilty for even having these feelings. If the father of the child is still in the picture and supportive of the diagnosis and what’s needed, it can definitely help mom through this process; however, that’s not always the case. Sometimes even dad can withdraw into an emotional state of denial or depression. In either case, it is extremely important for mom and/or dad to know they are not alone in this and there are people and resources who can help them build that tribe of support that is imperative in helping them get through this initial phase and going forward.
As a mom who has been down this road and traversed the madness of information overload and emotional turmoil, here is a list of resources I hope will help you start building your tribe:
Church
If you are a religious person and already have a church family, this should be a no brainer, but if you are religious and haven’t been to church in awhile (as many of us special needs parents haven’t) this is a good place to start. Many churches have groups for moms, dads, and even special needs parents. Definitely look around your area to see what’s available. Don’t be afraid to call and ask. They are there to help.
Family
If you have close family, it is definitely worth reaching out and telling them what is going on in your life. They may not be familiar with your child’s situation and you may need to educate them, but don’t let that deter you. Family can be your greatest asset as well as your child’s greatest support (next to you of course). If for some reason they are not supportive and become judgmental, do not be afraid to exclude them from your tribe. You need positive support through this, not negative. Keep them at a distance if they can not be supportive.
Social Media
There are so many groups on social media for parents of special needs and parents of your child’s specific situation. Having others to talk to who are, or have been, in your situation is a tremendous help! Even when you just need to vent because the stress has become too much to bear. Look for groups local to your town, city, or community. By finding local groups, you can even make friends to visit with in person. Social media doesn’t necessarily mean virtual. Just be careful not to seek medical advice on social media. In Columbia I have found the Facebook group Autism and Disabilities in Columbia SC to be very helpful for my family.
Caregivers
If you are like me, you will have a bus load of local people involved in your child’s healthcare needs (doctors, therapists, etc.). Do not be afraid to ask them about other parents like you or groups they may know of that provide support. In some cases, these caregivers may be parents of children with special needs also!
School
If your child is in school he/she may be in standard education classes or special education classes. The staff at your child’s school can be an excellent addition to your tribe, especially those who are in direct care of your child! If nothing else, there definitely needs to be open communication between you and your child’s teachers at all times while your child is under their care.
Local Government or Non-Profit Resources
Google can be an amazing friend! There are so many local government and non-profit organizations in every state that are ready and willing to provide the assistance you need. If you are in South Carolina, I highly recommend reaching out to Family Connections of SC. Not only can they provide you with many resources and support, but they can also provide you with a calendar of events for you and your children to help you through your journey.
Building your tribe as a special needs mom is a crucial step in self-care for yourself (which is also extremely beneficial for your child). You can not provide the care and support your child needs throughout this journey if you are not taking care of yourself. I hope these resources help you, and if you’re in SC and looking for additional information, don’t be afraid to contact me! I am on this journey with you and will help in any way I can, even if we have to learn it together.
My cousin has 3 children 2 of them have Autism and Speech delays I try to help her out as much as possible and we have formed a tribe in our city because juggling mom life as well as a full time job isn’t easy. Thanks for sharing your advice
That’s awesome! It’s wonderful that she has your support!