I posted on my personal blog a few weeks ago about how our son has started staying up later at night. This whole nap time thing at school is affecting his nighttime schedule and thus, it’s affecting me. Not in a positive way either.
Sigh. I already sound like an angry mom. But I promise, I really am not angry. I’m tired.
The transition is really hard. There are things that I’m used to doing. For example, the last at least 2.5 years, he’s gone to bed no later than 8 p.m. Which meant I had time to do laundry, put away dishes/dinner, BLOG, put my feet up, and relax … you know, lots of things.
Now that he’s going to bed at 8, 8:30, NINE even, it is wearing on me.
So last night as I was having my internal hissy fit about dealing with the craziness that happens at night when we throw the surprise on him that he actually HAS to go to bed … I realized how selfish I am.
I said to my husband, sort of under my breath, “I never get to do anything anymore.” As if he does…
It was late and past his “normal” bedtime.
My child was wanting to be near me.
I was wanting to leave him.
My child was asking me (nearly begging me) to read him a book.
I was thinking of all the things I needed to do.
He was craving some quality time with me and I felt like it was a burden.
To tell you the level of guilt that washed over me when I realized my selfishness … it was immense. I laid there in his bed looking at him, thinking what a terrible mom I am for not wanting to spend that time with him.
The to-do list at times seems endless.
The house is a wreck.
The laundry needs to be folded and put away. I need to go to sleep…
I don’t get to do much anymore in that small sliver of time between putting the kids to bed and when I crash. But this morning as I was getting ready I thought about how that’s okay. This is a season of life that is really busy. We have two small children that actually need us. One day they won’t. And I’m sure we’ll be sad when that day comes.
This morning I thought about how marriage shows you first how selfish you are. And then you add in a kid and just when you thought you had gotten rid of your selfish ways, you realize that you created new ways. And then you add in another kid…
We’re all selfish in our own ways. With our time, our love, our words…
Kids, especially, force you to give. Of yourself. It’s not about you, it’s about them. And I’m not saying that it’s about them, put them on a pedestal-type thing or anything crazy like that. I’m just saying that they are needy. And they deserve our time and attention. And love, however that looks to them.
So last night, when I realized what an awful person I still am, I ended up reading a few stories from one really large book, with about a hundred different stories in it. And after asking me to go on and on and on with this massive book, I told him he could look at the rest of it by himself once I left. I literally felt like my eyes were going to shut on me I was so tired.
Then we rocked.
When your kid stands up, holding his blanket, with his arms outstretched and says, “Mamma, rock me.” You don’t say no. Ever. E-V-E-R.
I held him close, thinking about how big he is, and yet, he’s going to get even bigger. I can barely hold all of him in my lap even now…
I put all of my list items away. I remembered what a friend posted sometime last year: our children are not a burden to us. And he isn’t. Neither is she. They’re not burdens, they are blessings. Even on their craziest of days.
Yes there are things to be done, and at times, deadlines need to be met, but at the end of the day, what’s leftover? The people you love. And for mammas, a lot of times, most of the time, it’s our babies that win. And we have to be okay with that. Even rejoice with it.
I’m still learning … and still trying to figure out how to be not so selfish, especially with my time. I hope I’ll get there one day.