Grieving the Loss of a Sibling

“Because I have a sister I have a forever friend.”

My little sister, Brittany and I are only 20 months apart in age. When we were little we fought like cats and dogs, but as we grew into teenagers we became best friends.

Brittany played soccer in Greenville for Carolina Elite Soccer Association (CESA), so she wasn’t home a lot on the weekends. At night before we would go to sleep we would climb into each others bed and talk about the details of our day (boys, soccer, TV) and watch Jay Leno on The Tonight Show together.

When I went through a teenage pregnancy in 2005 at 15 years old, I lost almost all of my friends, but Brittany was always there for me — even if she didn’t always agree with my decisions. Shortly after I gave birth to my son, I got a painful kidney infection. My mom and Brittany helped me with my baby while I was sick. Prior to the kidney infection I was breastfeeding, but because of the medications from the infection I chose to quit breastfeeding. When I recovered, Brittany taught me how to make a bottle and she loved her new little nephew.

The Day My Life Changed Forever

In the early morning of January 30, 2006, my sister, Brittany Allison Corgan, died at the young age of 15. Brittany suffered from Rolandic Epilepsy and few people outside of my immediate family knew that she would sometimes have seizures upon waking up from sleep or while falling asleep.

I would always hear her call for our mom — “Momma Momma” — or hear her bed banging against her wall. I would run downstairs to make sure she would not accidentally hurt herself, but this particular night I didn’t hear her. I was exhausted, and my one year old was just getting over a viral infection. I didn’t hear her, nor did I hear the EMS or police arrive to our home after my mother found her unresponsive. I didn’t wake up until one of my mom’s friends came into my room and shook me awake two hours after Brittany was taken to the hospital.

Understanding the Grieving Process

The pain of losing a sibling or someone close to you is unimaginable. It can be difficult to understand what someone is going through or how to help. Here are some things to keep in mind about people who are grieving, despite how much time has passed.

The sadness never goes away.

Even now, nine years after her death, I still cry, I still get angry, I still wonder why and I still miss her. I think about her every day. I wonder, would she would be married, if she would have any children, and what kind of job she would have if she were still here? I catch myself laugh sometimes and wish Brittany were there to enjoy it with me. I often wonder how a man can walk on the moon, but there is no cure for epilepsy.

There are still days that I want to be left alone to cope.

Some days I want to lay in my bed and cry far away from the world, eat an entire pint of Talenti Gelato, drink Knob Creek and blare our favorite songs. Brittany and I used to love to listen to Avril Lavigne’s second album Under My Skin together. Now that I am a busy mom, I can’t do all all those things. I usually only get to indulge in the Talenti Gelato on rare occasions (although my kids have developed a liking to Avril Lavigne as a result of me playing the album over and over again … in my mini van).

I still celebrate her birthday and the anniversary of her death, every year.

Most people have forgotten, and that’s okay. I will never forget those dates. I don’t remember the day she was born because I was so little, but I do remember her birthday parties. Her birthday was September 17, and because it is still warm in South Carolina during that time, my parents would usually have Brittany’s birthday parties at the Pine Island Club on Lake Murray and we would go swimming. Her date of death will never leave me. I woke up on January 30, went to Lexington Medical Center, and saw my little sister laying in a hospital bed with a tube hanging out of her mouth, dead. I guess I don’t like to watch horror films because I have lived one.

Counseling and medication can help.

Since my sisters death I have spent countless hours in counseling, and for a majority of the past nine years I have been on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. The Post Traumatic Stress is almost unbearable at times. I often wonder if I will ever be able to feel truly happy again and love freely without holding back. I’m always afraid something bad will happen to those I love. Sometimes I will be at a store or in a restaurant and think I see her, but when I do a double-take, it’s just someone who looks similar.

It is difficult to go to her grave.

When I am there I feel nothing. I sometimes drive by the houses we used to live in and reminisce about our childhood. She died in the house my parents still live in. I have so many memories of her in that house. I was the first person to sleep in her room after she died, because it made me feel close to her.

Time has not healed anything.

My life has gotten a lot busier since I married and now have four children to take care of, but I still miss my sister every day. My second born carries her middle name. I miss having my sister there to tell me everything will be okay when I am upset, or encouraging me when I am down. I have had lots of close friends in the past nine years, and none compare to my sister. She can not and will not be replaced.

I learned to truly appreciate life.

I turned 17 two weeks before Brittany died. At the young age of 17 I learned to appreciate life. Life is a gift that we are given to celebrate every day. Brittany never got to attend a prom, graduate high school, go to college, get married or experience the birth of her own child. Although it’s easy to think about all the things my sister didn’t get to experience, I try to focus on the things she did experience and the impact her life made. When Brittany died there were over 1,000 people at her funeral. In 15 short years she touched so many lives from church, school, the soccer field and beyond. She was always positive, and even to this day when I am feeling down I can still hear her say “things will get better.” I am forever grateful she was my sister, and even more grateful she was my best friend.

Remembering Brittany and Bringing Awareness to Epilepsy

Epilepsy is a central nervous system disorder (neurological disorder) in which nerve cell activity in the brain becomes disrupted, causing seizures or periods of unusual behavior, sensations and sometimes loss of consciousness. About 1 in 26 people in the United States will develop a seizure disorder.

To help raise awareness and honor my sister’s memory, I founded the Brittany Allison Corgan Memorial 5K which well be held on September 17 (Brittany’s 25th birthday) at the Red Bank Arena in Lexington. Proceeds from the race will be donated to South Carolina Advocates for Epilepsy (S.A.F.E.). South Carolina Advocates for Epilepsy is the only non-profit epilepsy organization in South Carolina whose mission is to advocate, educate, and inspire epilepsy patients, family members, and the community at large. I hope you will considering joining us for this important cause.

On January 9, 2007, one year after Brittany died, one of my other little sisters, Victoria, started having seizures as well. She has battled epilepsy for the past eight years. She underwent surgery last summer to have a Responsive Neurostimulation (RNS) device implanted into her skull. RNS is a pacemaker for the brain it also goes by the name NeuroPace.

If your blessed to have siblings, call them, visit them, hug them and tell them that you love them. Life is short. Time is precious. And you never know when it may be the last time you see them. I miss Brittany everyday, but am thankful she knew how much she meant to me. Make sure the ones who mean the most to you feel the same way.

Have you lost a sibling? What other feelings have you experienced in the grieving process?