How to Find Your Tribe

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We live in a time where we are more connected than ever through the digital world. However, we can probably all agree that this is a paradox, and real, human connection outside your nuclear family is limited.

Society praises the Pinterest mom of four, who is president of the PTO, holds down a full-time job, and still manages to exercise six days a week. This is amazing, but it’s not the norm. The most disturbing part of this narrative is the idea of, “she makes it look so easy!” I bought into this until my late 30s, at which time I accepted that will never be me. Comparison is futile. What I was perceiving was not, in fact, reality. How ironic that the social media world allows its users to post “stories;” those tiny snippets of someone else’s life, not my interpretation of someone else’s reality. 

There was a time when I would ask myself, ‘How do they do it?’ I believe even the supermoms have a secret: they don’t do it alone. 

Good parenting, along with every other important relationship in our lives, does not happen in a vacuum. We need a tight-knit community. We need accountability, wisdom, and support for when the storms in life come; and we know they will surely come. As much as we need that, we need to be that. Life was never designed to be lived in isolation. 

As an introvert, and also as someone who has battled insecurity, for years I found it easier to keep my affairs and my life within my four walls. This proved to be detrimental to my mental health and my family’s well-being.

I bought into this lie that I felt more secure without making myself vulnerable enough for life-giving friendships. The fear of me hurting them, or them hurting me held me back from pursuing my people. Not only that, the sheer busyness of being a human (not even just a mom!) in this era makes time much more of a commodity. Taking a break from all the daily tasks and obligations takes sacrifice. 

However, I slowly began to realize two things:

    1. I needed to make a change, and find my village.
    2. I had to start by being the person that had the qualities of those people I was looking to forge my community with. This may sound obvious, but aren’t the most blatantly obvious issues within oneself sometimes the hardest to see?!

I had to push myself out of my comfort zone, and seek opportunities to forge closer relationships. I had to give up my obsession with protecting my time and making myself available. I had to follow through with commitments, and seek to be trustworthy and dependable. I had to be vulnerable, and allow others to be vulnerable with me without judgment.

Then, all of a sudden, friendships began to blossom, trust was built, and I now have a solid, yet small, group of people who I can honestly say love my family, support my family, and pray for my family. These are the type of people that are present when life is full of excitement, but just as present when the tide turns, and you have nothing to offer them. It takes work because we all know life is not always convenient. I found the more I pursued being that person, those people came to me. 

Let me add as well, that things happen in life where we find ourselves in a situation we never planned or expected. Such as, having a child that requires exceptional care, or an illness besets us that is life-changing. Support groups for situations such as these are vitally important and should be pursued as a part of your quest for your village. 

How You Can Find Your Own Tribe

  1. Get plugged in at a local church, or place of worship. Build your faith community by connecting with a small group or life group. Attend the events offered at these places.
  2. Invest in people. Sign up to provide a meal for a meal train, or let them know you have been thinking of or praying for them if they are in a new season of life. There are many ways to show you are invested in their life. 
  3. Look for people that emulate the type of wife, mom, or professional you want to be. Ask them for coffee, happy hour, or offer to host their family for dinner at your house. 
  4. Once a trustworthy friendship has been established, do life together. You should trust these people enough to keep your kids for brief periods, and they should trust you enough to keep theirs.
  5. Be intentional about scheduling family outings and activities. 
  6. Take turns hosting, carpooling, etc. 
  7. Make what is important to them, such as children’s birthdays and milestones, important to you. 
  8. Make yourself present. Be available to listen instead of just talk, and respond in a timely manner to texts/calls/emails instead of letting days go by.
  9. Let go of what is not important (a perfectly organized house, chef-inspired meals, and fancy playdates) to make time for what is important. 
  10. If you find you have made a mistake, don’t be afraid to address it, and correct it. 

We are all seeking connection that is beyond the Instagram reels, feeds, and screens. Now more than ever, we need to find and keep our tribe. 

Have you found your tribe? What worked for you?

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Sarah Cain
Sarah has lived in Columbia since she was a kid, but it never felt like home until 2012 when she married her husband, David, and moved to Forest Acres. They met in 2010 when she was as a single mom, and have two children together, Hannah (age 4) and Titus (age 1), and Madison, (14). Sarah has a cosmetology degree, and is a part time stylist, while being a full time wife and mama. She has a deep desire to connect with other women, whatever season, to remind them they are not alone. She is a 'social' introvert, a deep thinker; who pays no attention to details, loves reading, but never finishes a book, she has a strong love for God's word, and despite her many flaws she desperately wants to be used to further the kingdom. She is a foodie, coffee drinking, wanna be perfectionist. She can identify with blended families, infertility, teenage parenting, and mental health issues.

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