True Life :: I Don’t Regret My Abortion

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i don't regret my abortion

I pride myself on being a woman of my word. I’m pretty well known for being headstrong and the more “mouthy one” in my close knit group of friends. I have no problem telling people what I am thinking and my stance on issues.

Yet I have this one thing in my life that is a total stigma to talk about.

But I WANT to talk about it. I refuse to wear a big fat “A” like I need to be ashamed. I’m not ashamed. I want to talk about how I feel about it. How I felt when I did it, how I felt after I did it, how I feel now four years later.

Four years ago I had an abortion. I terminated my pregnancy. What was once there, growing inside me, would be there no more. I’ll never know who that child would have been, or could have been. I’ll never know if it was a boy or girl. But my heart does not hurt. I am not a murderer. I am a woman who made a choice. I did what was best for myself, and for me and my daughter at the time.

Up until that point, I was a strong proponent for the pro-life movement — abortion is wrong, you don’t have the right to play God, you need to raise your child, adoption IS an option. I was firmly planted in those beliefs. But when I got pregnant and I experienced it firsthand … my beliefs changed.

I had just met a great guy (my now husband). Neither of us had the means to support another child. When we got the positive result, I was hysterical. My knees buckled and I fell into his arms. I couldn’t do it. No way, no how. I never imagined myself making a phone call to schedule an abortion. It was awful. I cried every day.

On one hand I realized what an amazing guy I had met. He held my hand through the whole experience. He wanted the baby.

On the other hand, when I told my mother I was pregnant, she told me I was an idiot and insulted me. She had just bought me a new vehicle and said “Now I’m never going to get the money back for that car.” I didn’t, and still don’t understand, why she couldn’t be my mother … show me compassion and understanding as an individual, as her daughter, as her flesh, as a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy. What she did was kick me when I was already down. I felt like I was going to lose my mother if I kept the baby.

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I wanted love and support from my mother, but all I got was the cold shoulder, blame, aggression and misunderstanding. Without her on my side, I felt lost.

Although the pregnancy was a shock and not expected, I didn’t know I was going to have an abortion. In fact, I desperately wanted to keep that child.

I went to a pregnancy crisis center that is pro-life to find out my options. When I told my mother about the help they were going to give me, she responded by saying “that’s not their job.”  I felt yet another option went out the window. If my mother wasn’t there to help me after it was all said and done, who else would be?

I don’t feel like she was nice to me again until I asked her to watch my child so my now-husband could take me to my appointment at Planned Parenthood. One day at Daybreak Pregnancy Center,  I had an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks and there wasn’t yet a heartbeat. They were trying to help me see the baby so that I would keep it. So was I. Below is an excerpt from my diary I wrote during this experience.

In order to make the right decision, I’m going to have to write about it. Yes I know this was a mistake on my part, no I don’t agree with abortion, but I also will not give birth to a child and then allow someone else to raise it. Right now, either this pregnancy will be terminated in two weeks from today, or I will go on to have the baby. I’d really appreciate all the love and support possible from everyone. I know most people wouldn’t be vocal that are in this position, but what’s done is done and I just want to make the right decision for myself and my child.

The night before my appointment to terminate my pregnancy I called my brother. It was the hardest phone call I’ve ever had to make. I was crying and asked him not to yell at me. He told me based on my condition, I wasn’t ready to make such a permanent choice.

In hindsight, he was right. But when I went to bed that night, I had made up my mind (or so I thought). Abortion was the right choice for me.

When we got to Planned Parenthood the next morning it was everything I expected — dark and dreary. My first stop was with a counselor who talks with you to make sure you’re making the right choice.

I totally lost it.

I just couldn’t do it. I left and got my money back. My now husband took my hand and we walked outside. We leaned against my car and had a long heart-to-heart. He told me we could take the money right then and go get married.

I loved him for the offer and commitment, but in the end that’s not what happened.

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I am so glad he was there for me through it all. We talked long and hard about the options.

We came to an agreement that we weren’t in a position to have a child, and I walked back inside and felt a wave of relief. I finally felt okay. I finally made a choice. Since my pregnancy was only a few weeks, I was able to terminate with a pill. I miscarried the next day.

I didn’t walk into the experience without a heart and without feeling. I was devastated. It’s easy to say what you would do in this situation (I know I did prior to when it happened to me), but until you have been in my shoes, you can’t possibly understand. You don’t know what it is like to sit in that cold, dark clinic and choose (yes I said CHOOSE … I fully acknowledge it was a choice I made) to end something that a huge part of your heart wanted. Something I feel God gave me. A life that would never come to be because of a choice I made. Yes I feel bad, a part of me hurts for all that could have been. But it was the right the decision for me.

Through my experience, I am not unscathed. I am however living. At the end of the day I’m a married woman now with kids to raise and I have to keep going. I acknowledge my choice, and will use it as a tool and learning experience when I talk to my kids about sex and the potential repercussions. I’ll encourage them not to make the mistakes I did.

Today, four years later, I am not mourning what was. I don’t beat myself up. If I could go back in time and make better choices so I wouldn’t have put myself in this position I would … but that’s not real life and dwelling on bad choices gets you nowhere. I’m solid in the choice I made, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

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Simone Praylow is wife and bestest friend in the world to Otis (better known as Odor) and mom to football and soccer loving Grayson 12, competitive cheerleader Elind, 7 and tantrum expert Ozzy Voltaire, 2. She is a native of New Jersey but relocated to Key West and later Columbia. As an overachiever, she believes learning is the best gift she can give her children and spends much of her time teaching her children at home (Grayson attends school, but the learning doesn't end when he leaves the classroom). Simone finds motherhood and family life are most easily managed by having a system in place for homelife, kids' schedules (including learning, screen time and reading) and meal planning. She is an avid reader who finds books are one of the best ways to unwind at the end of the day. She spends a lot of time boxing and at Pure Barre getting her burn on. You'll often find her buried in a book or on Pinterest getting ideas for her next project or yummy meals for the family menu.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Thanks for the sharing this blog with us.I get your point.As we all know, this abortion method is the combination of two pills named as mifepristone and misoprostol. This combination of pills are 95-98% effective in the first trimester. In some cases, if mifepristone is unavailable, some people use misoprostol alone, which has been proven scientifically as a safe and effective method. There are millions of the people who choose these pills for the abortion as these pills can be consumed at home. You can take these abortion pill from doctors.

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