My 4th Trimester Body :: How Does My Husband See Me?

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I’ve had a lot of body image problems the past 15 years. During the time I was not being treated for my growth hormone deficiency, I put on 80 pounds and my muscles atrophied. I tried to lose weight, but I faced difficulty. I tried to exercise, and my muscles burned within minutes of starting. I felt defeated.

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My maternity photo was mocked online, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

At this point, I was 26 years old, engaged and ready to be married — and very fearful that I would be an ugly bride and that my husband would not see me as sexy at all. During this time, my best friend talked me into going to a bridal expo, and I met the best boudoir photographer in New York City. I decided to have photos done as a wedding present to my husband, and I bought the “little black book” package, which included ten prints in a hard cover black album. My sister and I both took the day off work the day before my wedding, and we went into Queens to a small studio in the photographer’s home to have these photos taken.

The whole process was extremely liberating. I felt good about myself the way I looked in the photos. Then the book came … there was so much airbrushing that in one photo you couldn’t even see the outline of my nose. My husband never was able to enjoy the me in those photos, airbrushed or not, because by the time the prints arrived, I was already pregnant and my body was changing drastically in a very short period of time.

I lost 20 pounds from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness), and then I gained 60 pounds during the pregnancy. Stretch marks widened and became deeper. We took maternity photos and I had henna designs painted on my belly to mask the stretch marks. I felt beautiful in those photos, once again. Then, when my daughter was three weeks old, my world came crashing down around me as one of my maternity photos was taken without my consent and posted on a site which is designed to poke fun at people’s personal photos. I will not link them, as they do not deserve the recognition. The photo went viral. I once again felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

More changes, more difficulties

In the three years since then, I have lost weight. In summer 2013, I was at the lowest weight I had been since dating my husband (179 pounds) and I felt great as I left my Weight Watchers meeting that day, but a nagging feeling told me I should buy a pregnancy test on the drive home. That was the day I learned I was pregnant with my son, Asher.

Once again, during my pregnancy, my body went through drastic changes and I was often sick. At the end, I was left feeling defeated and powerless when my son was taken to the special care nursery. There was no communication to let me know what was going on, and to this day I have separation anxiety about leaving my son. I can’t wash my hands with certain antibacterial soaps because they remind me of scrubbing in to the special care nursery. I want to cry every time I see happy pregnant women who have healthy pregnancies, who can have more than two children, because I can’t risk my life to have more and potentially leave the children I already have motherless.

I was, again, uncomfortable in my own skin. My husband tells me I’m beautiful, and I tell him he needs new glasses. What does he see when he looks at me? This is where the 4th Trimester Bodies Project comes in.

A chance to tell my story

My children and I, along with my fellow contributor Alexa, traveled to Charlotte, where I met photographer Ashlee Wells Jackson and makeup artist and hairstylist Laura Weetzie Wilson.

I was expecting to have hair and makeup done, take a few photos and be done. There was so much more to the experience than just that! The hair and makeup was flawless, thanks to Laura. I chatted with her and Ashlee as she curled my hair and put on just a bit of makeup to even out my skin tone. I was not expecting the video interview before the portrait, in which Ashlee asked me deeply personal questions about my pregnancies and my journey so far from woman to mother.

Telling my story, I tried not to cry. I couldn’t look Ashlee in the eye, or else I would have needed Laura to redo all of my makeup. As I verbalized all that I was feeling, as I told my story, I felt a release, a purge. A river of emotions left me, and I felt at peace with everything that had happened.

Seeing my true self

Ashlee took a few headshots, and then it was time for the official portrait. She took a lot of photos; I lost count of how many. As I dressed again, she narrowed down her favorites, and then it was time for me to choose just one photo to represent my experience. The moment I saw the photo that would be my official portrait, my breath caught in my throat, and tears came to my eye. “This is how Jonathan sees me?” I asked myself.

4th Trimester Bodies
My photograph from the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. Image courtesy of Ashlee Wells Jackson

We kept going through the rest of the photos and eventually narrowed down all of the photos to four finalists. I was leaning towards “the one,” but I asked my husband his opinion first before committing. He said, “The photo on the top right,” confirming this is how he sees me. I felt beautiful in my own skin. Comfortable. Safe.

The message 4th Trimester Bodies aims to spread is “every BODY is beautiful.” The message I will take away from my experience is that my body is beautiful, every stage it goes through, and that the scars and stretch marks have all been earned. They are not airbrushed. This is me.

How have your feelings about your body changed since you became a mother? Share your story in the comments.

 

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Barbara Reggio
Barbara Reggio is a wife, mother, and small business owner. She has been married to Jonathan since May 2011, and they are partners in parenting their two children, Lucie (January 2012) and Asher (April 2014). The Reggio family relocated to West Columbia from Long Island, NY in March 2013 when Jonathan accepted a job transfer. She has the best of both worlds working both outside the home at a Customs House Brokerage and running her home based business, Trendy Babywearing. She holds a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Maritime Studies from the State University of New York at Maritime College. When she is not working or writing articles for Columbia SC Moms Blog, Barbara enjoys walking at the Riverbanks Zoo with her family, babywearing, reading, singing along to the radio (loudly) in her car, loom knitting, documenting her children's lives with photography, and writing on her personal blog http://www.trendsettermom.com/. Barbara is currently working on her goal of becoming a lifetime member with Weight Watchers.

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