It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and I figured, what better time to take a moment and unpack my feelings towards my infertility.
Honestly, I haven’t really thought about it a lot since I became a mother 18 months ago. For a while, my infertility just took a backseat. I was a new mom with a lot on my plate. My fertility was the furthest thing from my mind. I was elbow deep in dirty diapers, bottles, and adorable little onesies. Blissfully preoccupied with this new little guy in our lives.
But as life settled down and we fell into our new roles, I began to feel that old feeling again. The “will we, won’t we” of infertility.
The thing is, my infertility and I have a bittersweet and complex relationship. On one hand, my husband and I faced years of pain and stress trying to grow our family. On the other hand though, if it weren’t for my infertility, our amazing son never would have joined our family through adoption. Given the importance of this week, and my current season of life, I have some thoughts to share about infertility.
Our Son’s Adoption Didn’t Cure My Infertility
I love my son so much and in some ways, he makes me grateful for my journey through infertility. Without my infertility, I might not have my son. A lot of things had to fall into place for us to be chosen by our son’s birth-mother. My infertility is a piece of that puzzle.
But after we adopted Milo we got a ton of “Oh, you’ll probably get pregnant now!” I know it’s said in an effort to be hopeful or optimistic about the future. Frankly, people just don’t know what to say to couples struggling with infertility.
But my body didn’t change when we adopted. I still have the same issues I did before Milo joined our family. And secondly, we didn’t adopt our son in hopes that I’d all of a sudden be able to get pregnant. Telling me that NOW I’ll probably get pregnant naturally, just invalidates our and our son’s stories. Does it happen? Absolutely. However, it’s totally not the norm.
I Still Get Sad
Infertility is a hard road to walk, especially when you are a woman without a child. When we were trying for our first I struggled a lot with the idea that I might never become a mother. It was heavy. These days the struggle is lighter, but it’s still there.
As a society, we really don’t talk a lot about infertility for women who already have children. I think a lot of people assume that once you have a child your issues with your infertility just kind of go away or they assume that since you have a child now you’re done.
Secondary infertility and continued infertility after baby #1 can get lost in the infertility conversation, and believe me… I get it. Before I had a son I envied the women I saw in support groups asking questions about secondary infertility and trying to get pregnant after adoption. So I understand why the conversation mostly surrounds women and couples without children.
But I think there’s’ room at the table for everyone. We are all still dealing with really hard things. Lots of trauma and tons of pain. The more of us who come together, the better off I think we will all be.
Yes, We Want More Children
I often feel like I should just be grateful for the one awesome, healthy, wonderful son I have. And don’t get me wrong, I totally am! But I also don’t feel like I should feel guilty for wanting more children. I know there are women out there right now crying over empty cribs and unused onesies. Spending every waking moment praying for and dreaming of their first child. Like I said before, I totally used to be one and my heart goes out to these mamas in waiting.
I think sometimes people are surprised to learn that we want more kids after how long it took us to grow our family. If growing our family taught me one thing though, it’s that it’s 100% worth the wait. Every single moment leading up to you meeting your little one is worth it. Yes, it is a hard journey to go on… but I’d do it over and over again for the rest of my life if it led me to Milo again.
Talking About it Helps
I’m not saying that everyone needs to write a book or become a blogger, but 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. That is a lot y’all! But so often we feel alone in our struggles. Infertility can be really isolating, even knowing the statistics.
I found that having women in my community who were walking the same path as me or had already come out on the other side really helped! Having someone who can understand your perspective really helps in validating your fears and concerns and (what might feel like) irrational emotions.
If you don’t have anyone close to you to talk to, join an infertility support group on Facebook or check out some infertility accounts on Instagram. Both were great resources for me. Also, check out the National Infertility Association and Naomi’s Circle (local support for pregnancy loss) as well.
