I’m a mom of three kids – a 13 year old boy, an 11 year old girl, and another boy, age 10. When they were younger and talked about dating, I jokingly said, “You can date when you can drive!” This was mostly because that way they could be responsible for their own dating life. That was my idea of a lazy mom hack. Looking back . . . I wish I could say I stuck with that, because scheduling three kids’ activities is enough of a headache without throwing young love into the mix!
First thing I want to get out of the way: you, as a parent, may think – oh, I’m not going to let my child have a boy/girlfriend until age fill in the blank. I have news for you: this is not something you get to decide.
It is a tough pill to swallow, but when it comes down to it, if your first grader comes home and says “Claire is my girlfriend now!” you could say “You’re only six years old! You can’t have a girlfriend!” or you could say “Okay, then, what do you like about her?” Regardless of how you respond, your child will walk away still believing they have a girlfriend. Your response may very well impact if, and how much, they’ll tell you in the future.
You do get to decide what that means for your family and your child. Maybe it means your child only sees their boy/girlfriend at school. Perhaps it means that outside of school, they only see them in a group setting.
You can decide if they can do things one on one (but still in public). Do you want to meet their parents? Do you want them to exchange phone numbers or contact information? There are certainly things we can control as parents. But ultimately, whether our kids have a girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t one of them.
Let’s break down some of these questions you might be pondering.
Where can my child see their boy/girlfriend?
- Do they attend the same school?
- Do they see each other during an extracurricular activity (Scouts, Sports Practice, Church?)
- Do you want to make time for them to see their person outside of school or extracurriculars?
- If you are open to making that time, how often is reasonable for your family?
- In what settings are you comfortable with them meeting (public places, in each other’s homes, at friends’ houses?)
- How can they stay in touch? Do you want to set limits or boundaries around that?
Depending on the age and maturity of the children involved, the family rules and comfort levels of both families, and a lot of other variables, what you decide will work for your teen and your family will vary greatly.
I’m hoping by giving you a jumping off point, you will be more prepared than I was with my 13 year old. To be fair, I shouldn’t have been surprised. He was flirting with the girls on his soccer team before he was even in kindergarten. Also, I myself have zero personal experience of teen dating, so I am truly starting from blank slate.
Important conversations to have with your teen around dating.
1. What does dating mean for you?
I ask this every time any of my kids claims to have a boy or girlfriend, because the responses vary so much between kids and the relationships they are in. If your teen says they have a girl or boyfriend, from a place of curiosity, ask them, “well, what does that mean for you?” Does it mean you sit together at lunch? Does it mean you go out on dates? Does it mean you said that you love them?
Depending how your teen responds, you may feel much more at ease with the fact that they are claiming to have a girl or boyfriend. Or you may have Mayday! Mayday! signals going on in your brain, in which case, it’s probably time for conversation number two.
2. Enthusiastic Consent
I’m a firm believer that it is never too early to talk about consent with kids. Who they touch and who touches them – even just a friendly hug – should always have firm boundaries of consent on all sides. If you are just starting the consent conversation with your teenagers – I’m not saying it’s too late, but you may have a lot of groundwork to cover real quick.
- Consent can change from moment to moment. Check in with the other person frequently.
- Watch body language; pay attention to signals that the other person is not as into what’s happening as you are.
- Consent should always be freely, enthusiastically given, and not coerced.
I’m not really talking just about sex here – any kind of physical touch (kissing, handholding, hugging, etc.) that your teen may be engaging in with their boy or girlfriend – consent absolutely applies. If they understand and follow the boundaries of enthusiastic consent with the little stuff, it will be second nature with the bigger stuff.
3. The BIG stuff
Yes, I talk about sex with my kids. Every family’s values are different. I was very much raised in Christian purity culture, and while I don’t subscribe to those tenants now, I do tell my kids that ideally, sex is worth waiting for until (at the very least) they are adults and are willing to accept whatever consequences may result.
We talk about the various prevention methods (in an age appropriate fashion, when the question arises) but that, of course, nothing is 100%. That’s me and my family – you and your family may choose a different approach. The important thing to remember is that you should be talking about sex with your kids and teens. Trust me, even if you aren’t, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else is.
I am still very early in the teen dating game and continuing to learn as a I go. There are some things you don’t know as a parent until you go through them. I didn’t date really at all until I met my kids’ dad on eHarmony at age 22, and haven’t dated since. And even if I did have a frame of reference, I’m sure it would need updating what with the advent of phones and other technology. Speaking of which – I have talked to my kids about being very careful of the images they send each other. That’s probably a whole ‘nother conversation to have, but no less important than any of the others.
