Real Talk From a New Mom :: Top 10 Observations From the First Two Months

It happened! You survived labor and delivery. You ate at least three questionable meals at the hospital. You didn’t break your significant other’s hand (or maybe you did). You birthed a baby.

Congratulations! Right now you are riding on a hormonal high. You may be questioning the intelligence of hospital staff in letting you take home that precious bundle, but you’ll survive. To help, I’d like to share with you my top ten observations from the past two months of new momdom.

10. All of those past accomplishments, while cool, suddenly pale in comparison.

I’ve done some stuff that I’m pretty proud of in my life. Got myself through college, started a business, waitressed a double without snipping at a customer once, climbed 600 feet up a rope out of one of the most awesome caves in the US, taken some pretty cool pictures, etc. But my greatest accomplishment was creating this tiny person and becoming a mother.

9. You will question the haughty judgement of pregnant you and find yourself at Target, blowing gift cards on the things you previously thought of as “frivolous.”

I completed my registry while thinking “women have raised babies for thousands of years without swings and bouncers and pacifiers and I will too!” Then I experienced an overtired baby and 10 get-ups in one night. Foot? Meet mouth.

8. Hormones are serious stuff.

Those first two weeks are tough. Brutally tough. You are sleeping in 30-45 minute blocks, setting a reminder on your phone to eat, probably not showering, and hopefully someone is coming to help you clean your house, because that isn’t happening. But somehow, you retain some semblance of human like feeling. You are tired, but you don’t feel exhausted like you have in the past. You look pretty rough, but you don’t really care. You may have dust bunnies larger than your newborn rolling across the floor, but all you can do is stare at that baby. Those are hormones for you. A word of caution, though. Do get some sleep. Around 2-3 weeks, that tired is going to catch up, and guess what? Baby doesn’t care that you need a nap to make up for the three hour rock-n-shush-a-thon last night.

7. The bar you set for your own attractiveness is suddenly much, much lower.

I showered today. I’m completely irresistible. Right? Honey? Why are you walking away laughing?

6. You will get approximately 23.2% of what you want to get done to a roughly 64% satisfactory level.

Take it from me, a business owner. I reside in a land of perpetual to-do lists and completely unrelated tasks. On any given day I’m doing payroll, seeing clients, brainstorming sessions, going to Walmart or negotiating a giant move and expansion of my company (yes, that is my maternity leave project). I get nothing done and my employees still tell me to quit working.

5. Your nipples are gonna hurt.

Really. I was told breastfeeding would hurt, but I didn’t know how much. The upside? If you chose to and are able to breast feed, it is so, so worth it. Also, use a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding and latching doesn’t always go as smoothly as nature intended, and these amazing professionals can offer you so much advice and comfort – call the ones at the hospital, find out if your doula is one, or ask your pediatrician’s office if they have someone qualified on staff. Before, after, or during your LC meeting, get thee to La Leche League meeting!

4. Your relationships will change.

Watching the people in your life respond to your baby will change the way you feel about each of them — significant others, family, friends, colleagues, etc. Relationships are suddenly painted in hues of “was nice to my baby,” “suddenly ignores me” and “earth shattering love.” You’ll make friends, lose friends and become fiercely protective of that little bundle. (Remember that productivity part? I got up 1,034 times while writing the past three sentences.)

3. You will spend more time naked with your baby than you ever did your significant other (sorry!).

I chose to breastfeed, so please let me know if you plan on visiting because 9 times out of ten, I will be in some state of undress. Not to mention, skin-to-skin has some serious positive effects (reduced crying and grimacing in over 65% of babies while getting heel sticks? Imagine that after 2 month shots!). Baby running a slight fever after shots? Get naked for skin-to-skin comfort. Baby tub not available? Get naked and lather up together. Not wearing a nursing bra and you’re sweaty from shlepping that car seat? Get naked to cool off (and let’s face it, baby is going to want to nurse anyway).

2. Poop is everywhere.

Do I need to explain this one? Pro tip – when you hear the poop train enter the station, give it plenty of time to leave before you change that diaper. Your pants/shirt/face will thank me later.

1. You will be hopelessly, irrevocably in love and it will hurt.

There is no going back from this one. Prepare to have your heart laid bare before the world for the rest of eternity. Through the pooping, peeing, screaming, crying and frustration, you will discover a voice you never knew and a love you’ve never felt before.

To those of you on the borders of momdom, what do you look forward to or are afraid of? To those who have surpassed me in momdom, any tips for the future?