Showing Up in Adult Friendships

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    Over the past few months, my children have been placed in several new environments with kids they didn’t know. I watched as each of them naturally made friends and found their core group.  Making new friends seemed so simple for my younger kids. While the complexity of friendships increased with my older children, they still had an abundance of opportunity for friendships through school, church and extracurricular activities.

    These girls have been friends since the day they met. Their sweet, simple friendship is so sincere and beautiful to watch.

    As an adult, we generally don’t have as many opportunities to establish new friendships. Between the demands of being an adult and taking care of our families, we don’t have a lot of time or energy left to even maintain the friendships we do have. At some point, we realize there is only so much of us and we can’t be deeply devoted to many beyond our home. While we can have many acquaintances, like our kids, we too find that our core friends are those who we invest in on a deeper level.

    Those core, close friends become that way not by chance, but because we put in time and effort to establish deep rooted relationships. Both parties felt that the effort for the friendship was worth it and was willing to consistently invest their energy in it. As I reflected on the closest friends I’ve had in my life, I realized they all had a common thread.

    They Showed Up.

    They showed up by attending. They were present at the funerals, graduations, births and birthdays. They were there for the celebrations and times of grieving. Sure, they couldn’t physically be there for every moment, but they were always there emotionally. They truly rejoiced with me in the good times and mourned with me in the bad times.

    They showed up by remembering. They took the time to jot down my important events so they could pray and then recall the events when the day arrived. Beyond that, they took action and contacted me to follow up. It could have been an important doctor’s appointment, job interview or prayer request, but most of the time, they remembered.

    They showed up by speaking truth. They were honest about the small stuff, but also about the big, uncomfortable stuff. They didn’t shy away from addressing me just for fear of offending me. They loved me so much, they were willing to offend me in order to grow me.

    They showed up by being engaged. During our interactions, it was obvious there was mutual interest in each other. Our conversations weren’t a continuous circle back to themselves that became a simple sharing of information. Instead, they became moments for both of us to share the happenings of our days, opportunity to listen with care and times to give sound feedback laced with genuine care. 

    They showed up by making regular contact. Our correspondence with each other was mutual and ongoing. I wasn’t expected to always be the initiator and neither were they.

    While establishing and maintaining adult friendships may not be as simple as it is for our younger kids, it is definitely of the utmost importance and value. The reality is we are all busy and can’t show up or remember every occurrence of someone else’s life nor should we expect that. Most of us are doing well to remember everything happening under our own roof, but we can be intentional about investing in those we consider our closest friends.

    We can all think of those friends who have made us better people. I’m sure we can also think of those friends who haven’t been the most faithful. The good thing is we can learn from all of these experiences and are able to choose which kind of friend we want to be. While there is no such thing as a perfect friend, we can all strive to be more attentive and available to those closest ones we do life alongside.

    Two are better than one and friends have been gifted to us along this journey of life. May we cherish them, treat them as the gift they really are and show up for them.

    What has worked best in maintaining and growing the adult friendships in your life?

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    Missey Calcutt
    Missey Calcutt is a follower of Jesus and wife to her best friend for 16 years. Together they have five amazing kids who range in age from one to 13 years of age. Born and raised in Columbia, she earned a BA in Speech Language Pathology from Columbia College. She then attended USC where she earned a Master’s Degree in Speech Language Pathology. After working in a variety of settings for eleven years, she became a stay-at-home mom to her growing family. Now, she juggles hectic schedules, carpool lines and nonstop meal preparation. In addition to her love for writing, she enjoys spending time with her family, serving in her church, reading, and exercising. She hopes her posts bring encouragement to other women in the trenches of motherhood.

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