Sneaking Social Media – What’s a Parent to do?

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Sneaking Social Media – What’s a Parent to do? | Columbia SC Moms BlogI was in the middle of another post a when a “thing” happened here, so: plot twist. Allow me to set the scene… The Professor (my husband) and I are pretty conservative when it comes to technology (and therefore social media) with our girls. Many months ago our oldest (in 7th grade) said she wanted an Instagram account. I said no – I’m positive no 12-year-old child needs Instagram.

We’d just come back from our six-month sabbatical in New Zealand, though, and all of her Kiwi friends were on it. I followed them, they followed me, the girls passed messages and pictures back and forth. I didn’t think anything else of it.

And then one day, I noticed all of her Kiwi friends had a new follower, “iluvbunnies.” Oh, and by the way, our daughter is obsessed with bunnies. Also the profile picture was the same I’d just taken off my parents’ dock.

Turns out, her phone from Auckland (she only had it there because she walked to school by herself) – which didn’t have cellular service – still had wireless. She’d been using it as an iPod, but when she was at my parents for Spring Break, she’d set up the account.

We dazzled her with our omniscience (she could NOT figure out how we knew, bless), took her “iPod” away, threw in some other restrictions for a pretty long time, and went on our merry way. But this year, she started a new school, played volleyball, and got her phone back. And yeah, she set up a NEW Instagram account. She’d been deleting it every day before we took the phone at night.

::: Cue mom losing her ever-loving mind, but quietly and calmly, which is way more terrifying :::

My first inclination was to THROW. DOWN. Make her curse the day she even considered defying us. Take away the phone. Homework at the kitchen table (her school uses iPads). Don’t let her go to a BFF’s bat mitzvah in Atlanta. No more hanging out with ANY friend EVER until the end of time is OVER.

Then I calmed down (a little bit). And did some thinking.

Do I really care she has Instagram?

Meh. Not really. It was a line in the sand and maybe a little arbitrary. I still don’t think any kid her age needs Instagram, but when I looked through this new account, she is, in fact, regularly messaging with her Kiwi friends, who I know she misses terribly. The posts are silly. And most of her new friends are on there, too, so it’s striking me maybe how integral this is to life nowadays.

I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with this stuff. I desperately wish there were no technology and if kids needed to make plans for the weekend, they rode their bikes over to their friends’ houses to figure it out. But that’s not their reality.

Do I care she went behind our backs to set it up?

YES. ONE BAJILLION TIMES, YES. I am hopping mad (full disclosure, I am way madder than that – think ALL the bad words – but they like us to keep our language in check on this blog, so hopping mad is where I ended up). I mean, I am furious. And sad. And hurt. This is the second time she’s done this. But then it kicked me in the gut that maybe my ego is in play here.

Granted, she didn’t sit me down and make an argument to get Instagram. In her defense, I would’ve shut that down immediately. Probably with no discussion. Just an arbitrary no – I can be like that. (And by the way, that’s not a great realization to come to about yourself.)

As we enter teendom, I don’t want to back her into corners so she finds new ways to sneak and lie. I want her to come to us and have real conversations about things. (But yes, I know – she DID sneak and lie.)

ARGH.

The Professor and I decided we are not throwing down this time. Yes, there are still serious consequences, but we’ve all talked a lot, and I think she gets what a serious breach of trust this is. That we will not recover from another one. That we are taking a huge leap of faith with her.

We’ve talked about how if we can’t trust her with the little things, we won’t trust her with the big things. And the things are just going to get bigger and bigger, so it will be more and more important for us to talk to each other.

I feel a little bit like we’re rolling over and that she’s getting away with this, but then I feel my ego nudge me and roll its eyes and I have to check myself. I go round and round and round and come to the same conclusion every single time: we don’t know what the right answer is here.

Do you? How have you handled situations like this? How did it work out? These are not arbitrary questions – I desperately want to know…

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Kathy Ferguson
Wildly in love with her perfectly imperfect life, Kathy’s been married to her most favorite person in the world, “The Professor,” for 14 years. They moved to Columbia from Atlanta seven years ago and are enjoying raising their two girls, Gracie (12½) and Tate (10) here. After undergrad and her MBA, Kathy worked in Corporate America for 10 years before retiring to work full-time for the girls. Most recently, she was a grant writer at a college here in town, but had to leave that job when her family moved to New Zealand for six months for The Professor’s sabbatical. She started her blog, kathygoeskiwi.com, to document that amazing adventure, but now she’s home and trying to figure out what to do with her life. Again. Probably the loudest and most foul-mouthed introvert you’ll ever meet, she can usually be found curled up with a trashy romance novel, on the tennis court, at her awesome gym, or drinking wine with people she loves.

2 COMMENTS

  1. You could use an app like Bark. It will notify you if she’s getting bulliied, if she’s being groomed by a predator, etc.

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