The Day I Let My Toddler Go to Bed Hungry

In my house, if you say it, you stick to it. That’s why, as a parent, my own parents taught me to be very careful when it came to threats and promises. My husband and I, a total tag team when it comes to this parenting thing, constantly remind each other: don’t say it unless you want to do it. 

For example:

“I promise to take you to the park tomorrow.” Nope. Too many factors. If you can’t promise it – don’t. Kids need to learn they can rely on your word and that theirs matter too.

Or perhaps:

“If you don’t get in your seat now, we’re not going!” You better be really sure you don’t need to go…

And that means when I said, “You eat what’s for dinner or you don’t eat,” one day the second part of that sentence was going to slap me in the face.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So since birth, I’ve been trying to instill healthy eating habits and good manners in my little girl. And it worked. She beamed and said thank you and cleared her plate.

Until she didn’t.

The terrible twos set in, and in a desperate bid for control over her life and body, my perfectly mannered darling decided to turn the table into a place of negotiation, war, and eventually stalemate. 

She point blank refused to eat her dinner. Not even one bite. I tried bribing her with dessert, I admit. I tried waiting, ignoring the protests, keeping cool. I tried eating it and remarking on how good it was in front of her. I tried eating dessert in front of her. Basically, I tried everything. But she was determined. She was not going to eat dinner.

I was at a crossroads: become that person I swore I’d never be who makes Pb&Js or heats up chicken nuggets every night in addition to the family meal. The person who can’t go anywhere without a kid’s menu. That person whose kid is the bane of parties and church family dinners with their weird special requests and short list of acceptable foods. I once watched a family of kids demand a certain brand of hot dogs at VBS. Ew. 

I felt like smiley face foods were smiling up and mocking me. “You know you’re gonna break.” They seemed to say. “Come on, everyone’s doing it.”

No. I was not going to do it. In France, kids eat whatever adults eat, I reminded myself of the book Bringing Up Bebe and my own grandmother’s experience living there. There aren’t “kid food” options. We’re not talking about one or two things she consistently hates. We’re not talking about being unable to finish it. She wouldn’t even try it. 

So, instead of fighting, I just said: if you don’t eat it, you can’t have anything else.

Surprisingly, that part was easy. The hard part was following through. 

I felt terrible. I felt hungry. All night long I worried – what happened when she woke up hungry?

I didn’t yell or sneer. I just said, “Nope, if you’re hungry you can have your dinner.” I kept it out until bed and offered it again. Again, she wrinkled her nose. She asked for a cereal bar. Boy, was I tempted. I didn’t have to cook. It was terribly unhealthy. 

As I went to bed, I told myself a truly hungry child would have eaten, though I questioned it knowing how stubborn I could be. She did not have any blood sugar problems that would endanger her from missing one meal, I reminded myself over and over. Toddlers are learning to read hunger cues and going through bursts and dips in growth and metablosim. It’s safe for them to skip a meal. As a matter of fact, Natalia Stasenko writes that, “As a mom and a dietitian, I assure you that skipping meals occasionally is pretty normal for young children and especially toddlers and preschoolers who respond naturally to variations in appetite,” in this article.

 I waited for 1 a.m. to roll around and her to start screaming from hunger pains. 

Here’s what happened the day I let my toddler go to bed without dinner: she lived. That’s the point. She didn’t become unhealthy overnight. She doesn’t have trust issues with me or resentment. She woke up happy and hungry. While I can only speak to my own experience, I can assure you this did not happen again the next day or the day after that. In fact, it’s only happened again once since then, and we handled it the same way, and that was it.

She was fine. I avoided over-snacking, too big of portions at dinner, and tried to keep meal times regular, as advised. When I told my pediatrician, she was thrilled. One skipped meal is better than one junk food habit any day. 

Although it was hard to do, this mom is very relieved. Whenever I try to give up something unhealthy, I am reminded how hard it will be for her to later break any bad habits I give her now. For now, I don’t have to stock up on junk and snacks or precheck menus or bring alternative food. My kid likes food from all over the world, spicy, savory, sweet – and in every color. Eating can be joyful, and I’m glad I haven’t let a childhood aversion take control of our lives and take that joy. 

Bon Appetit! 

Has your child refused to eat a meal you provided? What did you do?