Top Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman

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Have you noticed that being pregnant is an open invitation for family, friends, and complete strangers to have free reign over your body? All of a sudden everyone on Earth is rubbing your “little Buddah belly” while doling out ridiculous and unsolicited advice. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was blown away by some of the questions and comments I received. I have compiled some of the best worst said to me and my friends below, along with the comments I wish I could have said in response.

“Are you expecting twins?” Are you expecting an answer or a swift kick in the rear? Did I even tell you, random person in Target, that I was expecting? No? Yeah, move along.

“Why are you registering for bottles? Breast is best, you know.” Unless you are a wet nurse who is volunteering to take the 4 a.m. shift, give me back the scanner and back off busybody.

“You are definitely having a boy/girl/monkey.” Hold up! When did you get X-Ray vision? We need to market this talent! There are so many ultrasound techs wasting their talents with those little wands!

“You can’t possibly have a home birth! It is so unsafe.” Have you heard of a guy named Jesus? He was born in a BARN surrounded by goats. I think a huge warm bath in the middle of my living room is a major upgrade.

“You’re only in your first trimester? But you’re so big!” I know. I’m Lebron James’s baby mama. This little dude’s already been signed to the Lakers.

“With my first I only gained 12 pounds.” Well, you also gained a know-it-all attitude and lost a friend, but who’s counting?

“Does your doctor know you are drinking coffee?” Yes, yes he does. I regularly give him updates on my caffeine consumption as well as the size of my poops and how many cigarettes I have smoked today.

“Was it planned?” Maybe yes, maybe no. But you’re impending murder was definitely premeditated.

“You should try crackers for morning sickness.” Oh, thank goodness! Finally a cure! Crackers are the one thing I have yet to try.

“You know how those are made don’t you?” Let me guess, you were voted most likely to be a comedian in high school? Has anyone ever laughed at this joke in the history of ever? My guess is I have a heck of a lot more experience with how babies are made than you do, dude.

“You’re STILL pregnant?” Yep. I’ve decided to just keep her in there for another year or so. I read that the African Elephant is preggers for a whopping 22 months. Those Dumbos ain’t got nothing on me.

“You don’t look pregnant from behind.” That might be because my uterus is in the front, genius.

“Get as much sleep as possible now. Once the baby comes you won’t sleep a wink.” You do know that there is a tiny human taking up residence in my body that makes it darn near impossible to be comfortable doing anything, especially sleeping. Also, how does one go about collecting sleep? Is there a sleep bank somewhere I don’t know about?

“You’re having a natural/medicated/C-Section birth? Don’t you know the risk factors?” You know I haven’t even thought about delivering at all. I was still under the impression that a stork dropped a bundle on my doorstep. But please give me as much information as possible in the time it takes for my Venti Peppermint White Mocha to arrive.

“Do you know what you’re having yet?” A baby. I am 99% percent positive it’s human.

“You’re going to name the baby what?” Unless I have said Jezebel or Satan you can roll those eyes of yours back into your head, thank you very much.

“You look so Tired/Pale/Awful.” Oh, thanks for noticing! I have been using a new moisturizer called “essence of total and complete crap.” I am going to go and cry into my pint of Ben & Jerry’s now.

“I thought you didn’t want kids.” I don’t, but the Yorkie breeder has an 18-month waitlist so I thought this was the next best thing.

“Is the father the same as your previous child?” Shh. I think so, but I’m waiting to see if little Johnny resembles my husband or my boss.

“Wow, you have a ton of stretch marks already! You should use cocoa butter.” Personally, my husband said he likes my belly with a little more texture. Can you pass me that doughnut? I’m trying to get a bit more cellulite on my legs as well.

“Are you going to circumcise him?” Why are you so fascinated with the state of my son’s penis? Do you have a daughter you’re looking to marry off?

What was the most ridiculous/rude/invasive thing you were asked while pregnant? How did you respond?

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Ashleigh
Ashleigh always knew she wanted to be a mom, but a stay at home mom, not so much. At 26 she found herself trading in her lipstick and high heels for Burt’s Bee’s and nursing bras. The first of their core group of friends to have kids, Ashleigh and her husband Eric strive to maintain their fun loving lifestyle while simultaneously raising their toddler daughter. Luckily, Tiny Girl is an adorable extrovert who loves getting out and about as much as her parents. On weekends you can find the threesome strolling the aisles of Target, road tripping it to Charleston, or hosting friends in Irmo for epic board game battles.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Hahahaha! Oh my gosh! I LOLd at a good number of these! I wish I was as witty as you. I will give you a dollar (and by dollar, I mean no money) if I can witness you using these comebacks in real life. 😉

  2. i got the twins comment by a lady in my doctors waiting room on my last doctors appt, I almost punched her. I said “no” with such hatred and venom I think she got the point. Lol

  3. While I was pregnant, I was speaking to a stranger in a doctor’s waiting room who was asking about my pregnancy. I told her I was having twins and she said, “Oh, I was SO worried I was going to have twins!” Wow thanks…nothing like a little encouragement:)

    Now that I have twins everyone asks me, “do twins run in your family?” No, would you like me to tell you all about my difficulties getting pregnant and my fertility treatments?

    • Blair, I honestly believe people lose the ability to think before they speak when confronted with a pregnant woman! Congratulations on your sweet babies!

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