What Normal Looks Like

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“Oh, I can’t have you over,” other moms always say. “My house is a mess.” I arrive for a play date and as soon as I come in the door, I’m told, “Don’t judge me, the house is a wreck. No, seriously, it’s destroyed. Please don’t look. I’m so embarrassed.”

Lies. Lies, lies, lies.

Because when I go into that house, the house of the mom who is so apologetic about the condition of her kitchen, or the toys in her living room, or the invisible dirt in her bathroom, I can’t decide if I want to laugh in her face or deck her.

Girl. Please. Not only is your house not messy, your house is immaculate. You have guest towels laid out. Your children’s spilled toys remain confined to a rug – which, by the way, is not sprinkled with crumbs. Sippy cups stay in the kitchen. Playdough dare not enter here, and the dog doesn’t shed. Insisting your house is dirty speaks to clinical delusion, your misunderstanding of small children, your secret desire to make me feel guilty, or maybe your desperate need for reassurance. Probably all of the above. Seriously, stop it.

So for all of you mamas insisting your immaculate house is messy, and all of you normal mamas therefore afraid to have anyone come into your house ever, because that level of clean is just not achievable due to kids/time/dogs/life/constant art projects, let’s set some guidelines. You can either have a sense of shame or small children, and I’ve got three boys under five. So I’ll spill it.

Normal: There is a room in your house that always stays cluttered and messy, and much like Lady MacBeth’s hands, will never be clean. In my house, it’s the dining room, furnished with my great-grandmother’s cherry dining suite, including buffet and china cabinet. I sew on the table, store art supplies in and around and between the hunt board and the wine rack – remember when the Harbison AC Moore went out of business? Yeah, it relocated to my dining room – stash file cabinets in available floor space, dry glitter art next to the sewing machine, and sometimes set up train tracks under the table. None of that gorgeous cherry is currently visible. I neaten this room for birthdays and holidays requiring fine china. Otherwise, you aren’t allowed to see it, Judgy McJudgerson.

Normal: Your laundry is everywhere. Current house tally: five clean baskets in the laundry room (blocking the auxiliary fridge and probably creating a certifiable fire hazard). One clean basket in the master bedroom. A clean load in the dryer and one in the washer. There is no basket of dirty clothes anywhere. Therefore we’re this week’s laundry heroes! Will those clean baskets make it to folding, or even more daunting, into drawers? Maybe. I’m feeling it lately. But a relative of mine, who shall not be named, once had to hide her kids’ Christmas present – a pet snake – from all the kids and her husband for two weeks. She stashed it under the laundry baskets in her bedroom. The secret kept. She’s the all-time laundry hero, ladies.

Normal: Your sink is full of dishes, your dishwasher is full of dishes, your table and counter are full of dishes, and you can’t find a clean spoon. So you use a teaspoon for your cereal. When you get to the giant soup spoon or worse, start to contemplate that spikey grapefruit spoon at the bottom of the silverware drawer, then you need to do a load. But only enough that the kids have plates for lunch.

Normal: Your kids’ bath toys are right where they left them after the bathwater drained. Don’t pull that shower curtain shut. We know what’s behind it.

Normal: Some type or types of toys are scattered all over the house and no matter how hard you try, or what bribes you offer, or what god you pray to, you never get every piece picked up. True story: I have found those stupid ball-pit balls in my washer, my front yard, and stuffed between carseats. We have the same problem with duplos, which I confiscated on really tenuous grounds, and Star Wars figures. If I come over to your house and notice plastic army men in the space behind your toilet, I’m not judging.

Normal: Cups and cups and cups. Everywhere. All the time. Somehow we didn’t perish of dehydration in the 80’s when my mother wouldn’t let us out of the kitchen with a Tupperware sippy of Kool-Aid. But it’s 2014, and my kids will shrivel into complaining oblivion without a cup of juice at all times. Except they leave them everywhere, and then get a new one. They now hold up drinks and ask, “Is this good, Mama?” before taking a swig. So do yours. Don’t lie.

Normal: Art Damage. My bath tub has some hopefully/maybe/eventually will fade tie-dye stains. I need to repaint part of the kitchen wall, because who let her toddlers use her acrylics? This mama! At the very least, your toddler took a pen to the wall and you haven’t had time to magic erase it yet.

Normal: You can’t see the floor of your car. Where else are you supposed to toss all those Chick-fil-A cups? Or the spare diapers? Or the dirty sippy cups? Seriously. Your husband probably complains about it.

Normal: You forgot trash day again. So your supercan’s overflowing and your recycling bin looks like a seriously committed alcoholic lives at your address, but really you just forgot garbage day two weeks in a row. It’s cool. As long as you got the trash out of the house, you’re a garbage day winner! High-five!

Normal: You have not dusted. Perhaps ever, or at least since your parents last visited. I think I maybe own Pledge? Somewhere? Don’t look at the upper bookshelves, especially if you suffer from allergies.

Normal: Some part of your house is in do-not-use disrepair, and has been for longer than you would publicly admit. My oldest son has never seen us use the shower in our master bath. He’s four. We need to replace the tile and just haven’t managed somehow. I thought this was a horrible, abnormal, horrific shame until, in flagrant disregard for social mores, I mentioned this to other mothers. Two of them copped to unusable bathrooms. One mentioned a deck with holes. Another has to warn visitors not to attempt the front stairs. I salute you, my sisters in disorder.

So there you have it. Either your house is really, really clean, and you should stop apologizing, or at the very least you can stop your shame and host playdates for once. We’re all in the same boat. I won’t look in your dining room if you don’t look in mine.

159 COMMENTS

  1. This is my house too! Except for my car. Before we had kids, we had friends whose car always smelled like sour milk from all the old bottles on the floor and I swore that I would never have that. I “try” to tell my kids to take all their stuff with them when they get out of the car. Doesn’t always work, but I try to clean it out at least once a week.

  2. I think its sad that people are so judgemental about someones home, on how clean they are. Everyone is different, some people are very neat and some people are not, some peoples priorities are different, they would rather spend quality time with there children than worry over a perfectly clean home. Some people work all week and have children in sports and other activities, and all of this takes up a lot of time. I do think alot of how we are is in our genes. I have four daughters and my second daughter is very neat about everything and my other girls are messy. Yes we should as parents teach our children to pick up after themselves and keep things as clean as possible, thats part of our job as parents. But i think our main priority as a parent is to raise our children up in the ways of The Lord and take them to church, and this in itself takes alot of time, because it something that is done on a daily basis and a lot of talking with your children and reading the bible together. This is what truly matters and All this other stuff about a clean house should be further down on our prority list.

  3. I once hid an overflowing hamper of dirty clothes in the tub behind the shower curtain so my guests wouldn’t see it. The living room is usually not too bad, but I might tackle you if you head for the office.

  4. I’m a older mom with a 10 yr. son. I also have 3 grown children. I loved the humor of this article. The response of some of the cleanie moms were very defensive. I guess now they know how it feels to be judged as not as good, smart, acceptable, stable, as their messy sisters.. Why she used the word normal was a slam to people who judge people who do not keep their house clean and orderly. This is normal to US. US who are struggling in some ways,with disabilities one can see and ones people can’t. Or maybe it is not as important to be super clean to them, we all have a certain energy level, and tolerance to messiness..

    I have always struggled with pstd and depression, and fibromyalgia. I have had a traumatic past as many of us have. I also understand there are people who have had traumatic past and don’t have mental illness. There are so many variations to people, we cannot judge.

    I know in our society the mentally ill, the messies, the not being able to keep up with the jones, are labled as crazy , lazy , too stupid to earn more money. And frankly as a Christian I am sick of it. Thank you for writing this article and proclaiming that we are ok to be who we are, and that can be our normal, even through our struggles!!! All people need dignity. And I have struggled with more than one stigma, and I think most of us if we could have a better home we would, so don’t judge us cleanie sisters…….

  5. There is nothing wrong with a “work in progress” home and an “organized and neat home” and anything along that spectrum. I have a messy house constantly – two days out of a week I have three rooms that are clean, other days it just is what it is. I’ve told my judgmental family that if they want to come over at midnight when all the children are tucked in bed, that’s the best time. Everything is spiffy after 9pm. I have yet to see anyone take me up on that offer. The point is, busy moms like me who work a full-time job, have families and go to school at night have to prioritize. Sometimes that means I’m giving my bathroom a once over at 5am before I get in the shower. Sometimes it means that I take much needed “me” time and read a book with a sink full of dishes. The point is, my house will get cleaned. It may not be every night and not every room but it will get cleaned. Just because I don’t do it on the schedule of neater folks doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. So much judgment is thrown about between women and mothers. Makes no sense – we can empower each other rather than tear each other down.

  6. Such a nice change to read about moms, who are honest about the mess! I have two children, 4&1… My house is a state! All day everyday haha. I do everything I can to keep it tidy, but dirty dishes, laundry, and toys still creep back in!
    One day it will stay clean, and I know I’ll miss the mess. My kids are playing, making memories, and I’d rather them remember mom played with me, then remember me as always busy cleaning around them.
    I always tell family who don’t get why it’s not sparkling clean and untouched all the time is “my home is for free expression, not for good impressions”

  7. I have to comment, we have adult kids with kids of their own, everyone is out of the house. I work a full time job, drive an hour each way to and from work. I used to keep my house perfect and clutter free. I am now in my 60’s, and when I get home from work, my hubby cooks dinner, I clean up the kitchen and enjoy my evening time watching tv with him and our pets. My home isnt filthy, but it isnt how I used to keep it. I am tired when I get home from work and the last thing I want to do is clean past the kitchen. Weekends, I just want to have fun, I do not want to spend my 2 days off cleaning. I have winter curtains staring me in the face saying take us down, and put up the summer curtains please! I am sure I will get to it one of these days after I am done having some fun.

  8. I just found this, but I want to thank you. I have a disability that makes it tough to get out of bed some days, much less clean dust off the top of my kitchen cupboards. I also work and have a teenager and a toddler. You not only described my house, but you made me feel like less of a bad mom. Thank you for writing this. Sincerely, just thank you. I wish you great blessings!

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