When Baby’s Bond With Daddy Takes Time

You’ve carried him or her in your belly for nine months, dreaming about the day your little bundle of joy will arrive! You’ve been able to feel every hiccup, thump, and kick. Each night while you try to find a comfortable position, you are constantly aware of the precious life growing inside you.

And your baby is also so aware of you! He or she has been learning your voice and becoming attuned to your heartbeat the entire time. All of the preparation pays off once that magical day finally arrives. That bond between mother and baby can be almost INSTANT — after all, you and baby have been bonding simultaneously for the past several months.

But what about baby’s bond to Daddy? Sometimes it can be slow to grow. In the case of my youngest child, Hailey, that bond was a long time coming, but it was worth the wait.

For our family, the question of bonding was a non-issue until we had Hailey. With our first two, their bonds to Daddy were immediate. In fact, at times my daughter London could only be comforted or soothed by her dad. Then along came Hailey to break those rules.

You see, it wasn’t so much my husband’s bond I was concerned about, but rather Hailey’s refusal to allow him to bond with her. The first couple of weeks before colic set in were relativity uneventful. Once colic took over, she could barely be consoled by me, let alone daddy. The nights were LONG and full of crying, rocking, and cluster feeding. That was a rough time for us because Travis (my husband) so desperately wanted to be there for me, and for Hailey, but she wouldn’t have it.

As the colic phase began to wear off, she was still adamant about not allowing Travis to get too close. Breastfeeding was starting to take its toll on me, so we tried bottle feeding with breast milk. When it wasn’t going well with me trying to feed her from a bottle, Travis would attempt to step in and help. This only pushed her even further into screams. She wanted me … and only me.

Bedtime was also a disaster if Travis attempted to put Hailey to sleep. After a long day of taking care of the two older kids and a very demanding infant, it seemed like such a relief to me to be able to hand her over to Travis and have him do the nighttime routine with her. But she was intent on me being the only one who could soothe her to sleep. This really seemed to push Travis over the edge. He was so disappointed that his baby, his beautiful little girl, treated him as if he were some stranger in the night there to steal her away from me.

By this time I was WAY overdue for a baby-free vacay! But I didn’t want Travis to know how hard it was for me to have to care for her constantly. I could see the hurt in his heart, and I did my best to reassure him that this would pass … eventually (“hopefully,” I silently added). I assured him that this is normal behavior, especially in young babies since they have had so much time becoming familiar with mom while growing in the womb.

In the meantime, Travis spent a lot of time being there for the older two since so much of my time was dedicated to Hailey. Travis’s bond with London and Nate became even stronger than it was before. It turns out Travis is a really great homework helper! Every night London had math homework (her tough subject), he was there by her side. He also started to improve his cooking skills, making dinner each night so I could just relax with Hailey.

I needed Travis to know it was okay to feel frustrated at times and creating a bond with Hailey was something we could work on together. Dr. Jim Sears, a pediatrician, and co-host of the Emmy-nominated TV show The Doctors, wrote an article titled I Don’t Understand Attachment Parenting, which admits babies can become more bonded with mothers in the first few months. Even this famous guru had times when he felt left out of the parenting game.

We referred to the book Becoming a Father, by Dr. Bill Sears (Jim Sears’ father who is also a famous pediatrician) and followed many of its suggestions to help Hailey and Travis bond.

To help create more of a connection between Hailey and Travis, I stopped handing her over to him when I was frustrated and would only hand her over when she was calm, Travis and I were calm, and she was well-fed and rested. I would sit with them so she could have me in her view and we would talk to her, tickle her, and smile with her.

We also started putting one of my husband’s shirts next to Hailey while she was sleeping so she could have his scent near her. Sometimes while holding her, I would lay one of his shirts across my chest so she could get a sense of being close to daddy.

Occasionally when I really really needed a five-minute time out, Travis would wear Hailey in the Moby wrap that she loved. This seemed to be a perfect way he could be close to her. Can I just say, there is nothing more heartwarming than a man with all that fabric wrapped around his body in an attempt to hold his baby girl! (He wouldn’t let me take pictures…so I have no proof!)

Today you wouldn’t even know that Hailey and Travis had a tough time bonding at first! She is a daddy’s girl all the way. She gets upset when he leaves for work and has the BIGGEST smile on her face when he comes home. She loves kisses, hugs, and tickle time from her main squeeze, Daddy! Now Travis is her favorite person to carry out the bedtime routine with.

Need some tips for Dad to help foster that bond? These were some of our most helpful tactics. The key to success was to make sure Hailey was well-fed and rested.

• Bath time with Dad. Hailey loved water from the start, so the two of them would bathe together often.
• Skin-to-skin contact. Take that shirt off, Dad!
• Play with baby. Being silly, making funny faces, kissing, and tickling are all good ways to play with your baby.
• Singing and dancing. Most babies love music and it also seems to have a calming effect on them. Hailey loved being rocked to her favorite song, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”
• When all else fails, wear baby in a wrap, carrier, or sling. The warmth, the tight embrace and the sound of Dad’s heartbeat can all be comforting.

What’s your story? Did your baby have a hard time bonding with your partner?