This week is National Infertility Awareness Week – an issue affecting one out of eight couples. Despite the large number of people who fall into this category, it still remains one of the few “taboo” topics in our culture today for many reasons. It involves the most intimate relations between a couple and is closely tied to the self-image of those impacted, causing us to question at the most basic level what it means to be a man or a woman.
You may be someone who didn’t have difficulty conceiving. If so, I am glad. I really mean it! I on the other hand, fall into the other category, and am someone who has dealt with infertility. It is a hard road, and though much good has come from my journey, I would not wish this diagnosis on another person.
Regardless of the category you fall under, there is a good chance someone you know is struggling with infertility. So here is a crash course of random facts about infertility that may help you interact with your friends or family who are walking this road:
- Infertility is not a male or female problem, regardless of “whose” issue it is. It is a couple problem.
- Keep in mind infertility doesn’t look the same in everyone. For a better understanding, read this article on my personal blog, This Side of Heaven, or take a look at the Faces of Infertility series.
- Adoption is not a solution for everyone. “Just adopt” sounds so simple, but the process and emotions tied to this decision are a lot harder than they seem.
- Infertility can make you doubt who you are as a woman or a man. Jokes or making light of the situation doesn’t help.
- The pain of infertility does not go away when you stop trying, or when you become a parent, whether biologically or otherwise. The journey transforms you, forever.
- When you want to be a parent, but aren’t, emotional triggers are everywhere – Hallmark commercials, holidays, baby dedications at church, the diaper aisle at Walmart, television series, baby showers, pregnancy announcements on Facebook, meaningless questions from strangers. Everywhere.
- Not everyone without children is on that road by choice.
- People with children can struggle with infertility.
- Infertility rarely has an “easy” solution like “just relax, stop trying so hard, have faith, adopt, get a pet, go on a cruise, try this diet”. I promise, whatever you suggest is something they have heard of already.
- Please don’t ask when your friends are going to start a “family” (code for “make a baby”). A husband and wife “start” their family on their wedding day, not when they conceive a baby.
How to Encourage Friends Dealing with Infertility
What can you say or do to encourage friends or family on the infertility journey? My friend Thelma has some wonderful suggestions and ideas on the topic. But in brief…
- Be empathetic.
- Acknowledge what they are going through is hard.
- Be patient if they are less than enthusiastic about baby showers or conversations about baby bumps and morning sickness. Send a card on Mother’s Day that recognizes how hard that day is.
- Offer a listening ear (and then really listen!), but remember that your friends are more than an infertility diagnosis.
- Don’t forget to connect with them in ways that are unrelated to the issue of having kids.
Infertility can be a really lonesome road. Taking a step toward a friend on that road and letting them know you are aware of their struggles takes some of that lonesomeness away. Thank you for reaching out!
Have you, or someone you know, dealt with infertility? What did you find to be most encouraging during this difficult time?
