My most recent pregnancy ended up being completely different from any of my previous ones.
With my three previous pregnancies, I found out I was pregnant before I was supposed to have my period. But with this pregnancy, I found out I was pregnant when I was already six weeks along. For me, that was a big deal, as I only had to wait two more weeks for my first prenatal appointment (instead of four or more weeks with my previous ones).
In fact, I only took a pregnancy test because my period was 10 days late, and I wanted to know if I was pregnant or it was something else. I didn’t feel the need to take a pregnancy test before, as I had been cramping a lot, and in my past experiences, whenever I had cramps, that meant that my period was coming and I wasn’t pregnant that month.
So, on a Monday morning, after taking my kids to preschool, I went into Target to buy a pregnancy test (and some pads just in case the test was negative and I was going to need them in the next couple of days). I remember going to the cashier to pay, and the cashier telling me “Good luck. I hope you get the result you are looking for.” I just smiled and left. While I was waiting for the pregnancy test results, I remember my heart pounding and being really nervous to see the answer. When I saw the word “positive” I couldn’t believe it!
Everything was going well. The excitement in our house was building; would it be a boy or a girl? All the questions you start asking yourself the moment you see the BFP (Big Fat Positive) started going through my head. My due date was the day after my birthday (in May), so I figured I would probably be spending a very quiet birthday at home with a new baby in my arms.
However, God had other plans.
I remember going to the restroom one evening and seeing some blood, and thought it was odd. But when it wouldn’t stop, I knew something was wrong.
Along with the bleeding, I had pretty bad cramps, so that was not a good sign either. I went to urgent care the next morning (on my husband’s birthday), where I had an ultrasound and they told me there was no fetal pole, but that the sac and everything was in place, measuring five weeks along (although I knew I was seven weeks pregnant).
The following week I went to the OBGYN for an ultrasound, where they confirmed what my heart already knew.
There was no sign of a baby.
That same week I was scheduled for a D&C. While the loss has been difficult, I have been striving to be grateful for all the things that I do have – my husband, my other children, my family. At the same time, I have also been mourning for the baby that I will never have the opportunity to meet. I have been praying and thinking about all the families that have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, and the ones that have not been able to have a healthy baby in their arms yet.
Pregnancy and infant loss are very hard things to face, and nothing can prepare you for something like this.
Now each October and May will have a different meaning for us because our fourth baby is in Heaven. But we will always remember our little one. They will never be forgotten.
