Ask Me First!

It’s come to my attention that not every parent raises their kids the way I do. This isn’t a bad thing. After all, the diversity in opinions, the uniqueness of ideas, the variety of life hacks is what makes this whole parenting thing fun … bearable?

Well, it can also make things that much more confusing. We try to figure out if it’s really that life-threatening to have a teddy in the crib. Or wonder when the best time is to start table food.

One thing’s for sure: there’s no one book on how to be a parent. We do our best with what we were taught growing up. We write our own books! It’s such an empowering thing to note. We stand firm on the experiences we know work best. We talk to our partners and decide what the course of actions will be when things come up. It’s our family and we are taking charge, right?

Then one day, a sweet older woman asks to hold your infant child. Maybe you work with her or go to church with her. Perhaps she’s a co-worker or neighbor. You remember to respect your elders, but somehow today that translates into letting them do what they want so you don’t feel so bad. Now, this old lady is holding your baby and letting him eat an unapproved snack right in your face! What do you do?

There are so many people who are better than me at being confident enough to tell these older women (or just people) what the rules are when they hold your child. I have to admit I struggle with this. Do I run down a list of the do’s and don’ts before I hand off my son? Is that being rude? Will they judge me for my rules and tell me what worked in 1862 with their kids and they turned out “just fine.” Why do I care again? I’m still trying to figure that one out.

Here are a few things to consider if you’re like me.

Respectfully Reject

Back to my “older lady” example. I pondered over the question of whether it’s rude to say no. The truth is, we can be respectful while we decline the offer to hold our babies. There are several people who really love tiny people, but we don’t have a legit radar to be able to tell who is safe enough or equipped enough. So, if you need to look at it through a lense of advocating for your child, do so. A simple “No, ma’am” would work just fine. Stand firm; you have your reasons. Remember, you know best. 

Remember: You’re Mom

As I’m writing this, I can’t help but giggle at all the things I keep in mind for my kids. From what they can and can’t eat, to their fears to mine … to their tendency to act and do certain things, and my attempt to accommodate them. We know a lot about our kids as involved parents! There is so much to monitor and approve. All of our actions serve a specific purpose whether we realize it or not.

So, even if that means that you don’t want the old lady to hold your baby because she likes to wear a really heavy perfume or she likes to let your kids teethe on her knuckles, you’re the momma! Oddly enough we have to remind ourselves that no matter what, we have the final say. I hope you use this as an empowering moment, one that gives you the confidence to parent the way you want, not the license to be a jerk to the old lady!

Recruit Support

If you’re like me, you still need a boost. That’s when you rally in people you trust to tell you the things I listed above and more. This is the chance for you and your partner get together to craft expectations for your outings. It may need to be as detailed as having a plan for the little old lady when you’re hanging with the family. Work together! When you’re out with friends who are allowed to feed your baby unapproved snacks and throw him in the air, let them know the rules too so you have back up to reinforce them. Every once in awhile, they may need a reminder too. And who better than to practice on than the friends who love you and your kids?

The overall goal is to keep your children safe — on your terms. It’s OK to tell people you prefer to have them ask you first. This makes for a more informed village as people take care of your kids. If you’re OK with random people talking to your baby and/or giving him a high five (like I am), remember you have a say in the limitations, if any. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing a great job because it’s based on the boundaries you set. Pat yourself on the back, mom. 

What tips can you give new moms as they feel this out?