When I was younger, I remember never getting along with my biological father. I can remember asking – practically begging – my mom when they would get divorced because even as a child I knew it wasn’t good relationship. Yet, my father never physically hurt us, so I didn’t think anything was really wrong. Certainly nothing that affected who I was becoming, or needed to be discussed. I simply didn’t like who he was as a person.
He was selfish, unkind, and distant at his best. I was often belittled or bullied for having thoughts or actions he found unflattering. Especially being a girl, he told me consistently how important it was to be pretty because that was my best attribute, and marrying was to be my goal. Other accomplishments were barely celebrated or acknowledged.
As an adult, with children of my own, I now have a new perspective. This was not just some generational learning gap. It was an emotionally abusive relationship.
In the last couple of years, the relationship with my father has become painfully clear. His health has been fading, and his resentment and sharp tongue have only worsened. He is not interested in his only grandchildren or son-in-law. He doesn’t know them, nor do they know him. He does not ask about my life. I am expected to apologize for the way his life turned out. He speaks to me in such a way that I cry or am angry for days after I hang up the phone. It is not healthy.
For so long I have wondered what role I play in both the cause and salvaging of this relationship. What am I doing wrong that I can’t make this work? As the child, I felt that I should be the bigger person, and care for my elders with respect. I was bettering myself somehow by learning not to be affected by this venom through continued exposure.
But you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on before turning to help others, right?
Well, I am suffocating in this relationship.
Over the past few years, I have also opened my eyes to the many wonderful grown men in my life. My stepfather and father-in-law have shown me unconditional love and support. I am in awe of my husband’s natural knack at fatherhood. He is truly a parent and partner. I look at other family friends and my own uncles and find many more examples of caring men.
If these values are what my children deserve in their life, then why do I accept so much less for myself?
I do believe that there is power in thought. So after over three and a half decades, I am visualizing my father walking out of the metaphorical door, and I am closing it tight behind him. I am cutting ties with someone who only brings hurt into my life. I am moving forward as a stronger person. I hope.
