I know it’s now May, but lately, I’ve been reflecting on the month of March.
March has always been a month that represents new beginnings for me. The days gradually become longer as signs of life begin to emerge from a long, sleepy winter. Flowers begin to bloom, the trees become a little greener, and the days get a little longer. To me, it’s always a reminder of transformation, of new beginnings. A new season.
March is also the month of my youngest child’s birthday. This year mama’s baby boy turned three, and it stung a bit. I found myself sitting in my vehicle outside the preschool scrolling through photos of the days after he was born.
Reality hit the only way it knows how: hard. Harshly it whispered to my heart, “you’re done having babies.” I sobbed as the words sunk in. It was like I boarded a train going in the wrong direction. Never again, barring some miracle, would I bring life into this world; feel that feeling of looking over at my precious son and daughters take their first breath, cry their first cry, the experience of the utter euphoria of holding your baby for the first time. I sat there with warm tears falling, and I just let the pictures sink in.
I offered up a silent prayer:
Lord, make these memories part of the fabric of who I am. Tuck them safely away in a spot where they are safe from time and disease. Let them be somewhere very near, where they can be retrieved quickly and they are safe from the constraints of an aging mind. Help the birthdays be filled with more gratitude than with the sense of what we’re leaving behind. Teach me when to let go and when to lean in. Give me eyes to see the sweetness on the really hard days. Thank you for all we have to look forward to as we learn and grow and thank you no matter what, he’ll always be my baby.
Closing chapters are hard. Purging the baby gear and clothes is freeing, but it can also come with some sadness. But that’s OK. I’m learning the antidote to the grief is gratitude…and maybe a tantrum. I eagerly look forward to this new season.
Are you going through a new season of life with your child(ren)?
