We were at our friends’ daughter’s birthday party a few weeks ago and I was in the living room chatting with our friends when my husband and a few of the other “dads” were gathered around talking about a golf outing they planned for the next day. I got quiet as I watched how they handled it.
One of the dads had already arranged it with his wife, who was 30 weeks pregnant chasing around after a two-year-old little boy. The other dad had not arranged it with his wife – another prego chasing after a two-year-old little girl. My husband certainly hadn’t arranged it – caretaker of a four-year-old girl and two-year-old boy.
He looked at me with the silent question.
It was then that I wondered what the balance was in other relationships about moms versus dads and the time they spend with the kids versus their “other” life – at work, at the gym, having outings with friends, date nights, etc.
In my opinion, there should be Equal Opportunity Parenting Acts. No matter gender, both parents should be actively involved with caring for their children. There are various dynamics, of course. If both parents work outside the home then there is the added role of “day parent.” Also, if children are school-aged then there is the important role of educators.
With all these roles and influences, what is so wrong about each parent taking time for themselves? Absolutely none; as long as it is split equally and is desired by the individual.
I looked at my husband and said “If you go golfing tomorrow, what do I get in return?” And by that I meant “If you get a break tomorrow – when will my break be?” A day “off” from being a caretaker.
I know couples who agree that each parent get “solo time” on the weekend. I love this idea. Not only does it give each person time to do whatever they choose, but also it gives children special time with each parent.
I feel as though society and social media places most of the responsibility to moms to care for the children, but why? Is it because we are female or because kids naturally gravitate towards the mother? My husband is more than capable of bathing our children, dressing them, feeding them, reading them stories, playing blocks with them, and putting them to bed. He is an equal parent – the way it should be.
My husband’s parents are great examples of this mindset. When Bryan and his sister were younger, his mom had the opportunity to attend Georgetown University for a nursing degree and was gone every week for 3-4 days at a time. This meant that his dad had to be the full-time caregiver. While she had a lot of guilt at times, she also told me “The kids have a dad, too. They are his kids, too. And there was never going to be another opportunity like this for me.” And she ended up going on to fulfill her dream of obtaining a doctorate degree and becoming a vice president for one of the most prestigious children’s hospitals in North Carolina. She is an extremely active grandparent to all four of her grandbabies and never misses a birthday, an anniversary, or any other major holiday. She’s definitely my hero.
So maybe that’s why my husband chose to beg off from the golf outing that next day. He wanted to get some things done around the house and spend the day with us. And it was a great day.
It’s important for each of us to find time in our days and lives to continue to be individuals. But not at the risk of causing a burden to our significant other. Find your balance and make it work for you.
