I am not OK.
It has taken me several weeks to even put my thoughts into writing. I definitely have anxiety and do not do well with even minor changes, much less something this unexpected.
I am a very scheduled person. I like to know what I’m doing for the month and color code my planner based on work, kids’ events and socials with friends. Kids soccer written in blue, work meetings written in red, socials written in green, all in a neat monthly view so I know what to expect.
Rewind to earlier this month when I crossed out pretty much everything from March’s calendar as events got canceled one by one. I haven’t even put anything in April and it’s driving me crazy.
Part of me is like OK, the world is giving me a sign to take a break and enjoy some quiet time. But, it’s like now that we’re told to stay at home, the last thing we want to do is all the things we said we didn’t have time to do. My stack of books I want to read has still gone untouched. I wanted to start my own blog, be an influencer, and all these other grand things on my 2020 list that I haven’t given another thought about.
I realize as I’ve gotten older how much I thrive around people. To be truly candid, this past year, I’ve become a co-parenting mom who lives in a new place by herself. And for the safety of my kids, we felt it best they stay in the house with their dad for the time being. And while I’m sure I would probably be one of those moms who would be all over the ways to keep your kids busy when you’re stuck at the house, I’m the opposite currently.
Living alone for the first time this past year has made me enjoy human interaction even more. That makes social distancing even harder for me. Just going to work every day and talking to my coworkers would help me get through the day. Dinner and drinks out with friends have been coping mechanisms for me this past year, and things I looked forward to.
Right up until all this, I thought I had my life finally coming together. I got a promotion at work, was working out consistently, and even finished a 21-day sugar detox. I felt pretty great.
Now, I’m busy working remotely for most of the day, haven’t even thought about working out in a few weeks (even though my gym has virtual classes and YouTube classes), and I’m missing real social interaction with all my friends and my kids.
With all this said, I’m saying it’s OK to not be OK.
Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not doing all the things that you COULD be doing with this time just because you have this time.
I think that part of my struggle lately is that I feel like I should be accomplishing more now that we have a new normal. However, I’m giving myself the grace to sleep in on the weekends, enjoy the sun and great weather, make new recipes and do a puzzle by myself to take my mind off of current events and the world right now.
The things on my 2020 list can wait. I know I’ll read that pile of books when I’m ready. I will possibly try a virtual workout this week or go for a run.
Until then, I will try to accept that it’s OK to binge-watch ridiculous shows like The Tiger King and have virtual happy hours with my friends. I’ll also make sure to check on my friends as well.
We’re all in this together and regardless of how we cope, we will get through this.
