I realize I’m in a weird transition period of my life. A moment when I look back and don’t see the anger or pain or troubles of my past. Instead, I see the beautiful moments. The moments that make everything about life worth living. And as I reminisce on these moments, I beg for just a few more minutes, just to hold on to those moments of pure happiness.
I recently asked my husband if he was sure he didn’t want any more children. My daughters are five and seven. My ovaries don’t know if they’re done and have been sending me the baby bug. Just looking back at the rough stages of parenthood, makes me wonder if want to do it again.
I sat there and realized, that as difficult as I thought the newborn stage was, I miss it so incredibly much. The snuggles. The smell. The sweetness. I remember how soft the faces of my babes were. How the little fine hairs clung to the tops of their heads. These moments overtake the memories of pregnancy pain (I cried the last three weeks of my pregnancy with my youngest because she stretched my stomach so much that I was in literal pain each time she moved). Instead of remembering the sleepless nights, I blissfully remember the late-night cuddles of just me and babes.
My husband says “but remember how hard it was when they were toddlers? And potty training?!” Yes, I remember those struggles. I remember hating that stage. But more so I remember the excitement when they’d pee-pee on the potty, the joy when they learned something new, the silliness of the conversations, the look in their eyes with wonder and amazement. As much as I disliked the struggles of toddlers, their souls are enveloped in a beauty, an innocence, something so pure.
My husband often reminds me of the mouthy, not-so-nice children we seem to have now. Instead, I see moments sitting in my oldest daughter’s room, just talking to her. Saying end of the night prayers with my youngest. Giggles and squeals as daddy chases them around the house. The delight on their faces when we do something special, even if it is the same old family pizza and movie night. And of course, the excitement in their voices as they tell us about their day (even if it takes an hour to tell a five-minute story).
Each stage of raising children comes with its own struggles. As parents, we’ve all doubted we could actually get through that specific stage. Here I am, looking back at those difficulties, only seeing visions of the amazing moments that are part of childhood.
Are we done? I don’t know. I do know that all those difficult times, those difficult stages, have an incredible amount of happiness laced in. Sometimes, they may not be overly evident, but they’re there. And they’re amazing. As the girls become older, I’m going to look for more of these moments, and enjoy them now, while we’re in it.